Psychopaths with Hats
by Hannelore-Grace
Summary: Episodes 1-4 of Llamas with Hats rewritten from the perspective of Jim and Seb.
1. Chapter 1

"_Jiiiiiiim_, there's a dead man in our lounge!"

"Whoa, hey, how did he get in here?"

"Jim, what did you do?"

"Me? Seb, darling, I had nothing to do with this."

"Jim."

"I do not kill people. That is my least favorite thing to do."

"Alright, so tell me what you did today while I was out."

"Well, I started reading a book."

"Okay."

"And I got really attached to the antagonist."

"Alright."

"And then I realized that, really, he was just misunderstood by society."

"Go on."

"But then the author killed him."

"Right."

"So I invited the author over using ropes and sedatives. And then we had a nice chat about why he felt the need to kill the antagonist."

"Okay."

"And, well, then I stabbed him thirty seven times in the chest."

"Jim, that kills people!"

"Oh. I did not know that. That was an unfortunate miscalculation on my part."

"Jim, what happened to his fingers?"

"Excuse me?"

"His fingers. Where are they?"

"Well, I told him to rewrite the story."

"Yes."

"But he wouldn't."

"Okay."

"So I cut off his fingers and then cooked them up and made him eat them."

"Jim."

"Well, I wanted a new ending and he wouldn't write it. And well, you know, when you want things..."

"Why on earth would you do that?"

"At least I cooked them for him! I thought that was rather benevolent of me."

"_Jiiiiiim_."

"I had a literary craving-"

"Jim."

"-That only torture would satisfy."

"Jim! What is wrong with you?"

"Well, I kill people and make them eat their fingers. That's two things."


	2. Chapter 2

"Jim, what on earth was all that?"

"I'm not sure what you're referring to, dear."

"You blew up an entire cruise ship, Jim."

"Are you sure you're not mistaken? I believe I would remember doing something like that."

"Jim, I watched you wrap the captain up in Semtex!"

"Yes, I suppose that does sound like something I would do."

"You threw the army doctor off the side of the ship!"

"That must have been horrifying to watch."

"Then you started making out with the consulting detective."

"Well then thank god that John wasn't on board to see it."

"Uh, Jim, why is the lifeboat all red and sticky?"

"Hm. I would describe it as more rubicund and agglutinative-"

"Jim, what are we standing in?"

"Would you believe it's strawberry milkshake?"

"No, I would not believe that."

"Melted gumdrops?"

"No."

"Boat nectar? Some of god's tears?"

"No! Tell me the truth, Jim."

"Fine. It's that awful DJ from the late night events."

"Jim!"

"Well, he kept playing Eminem and not nearly enough Lady Gaga."

"I can not believe what I'm hearing."

"I will not apologize for doing the world a mercy."

"Where are the other lifeboats?"

"Oh, my. You're quite observant, darling. I hadn't even noticed that."

"Where are the other lifeboats, Jim?"

"Looking at the trajectory of the sun and the moon, probably at the bottom of the ocean. I put lots of bombs on them."

"Jim!"

"I am willing to admit that I may have a bit of a problem."

"You are terrible."

"Shhhh, darling. Do you hear that? That's the sound of forgiveness."

"That's the sound of people dying, Jim."

"That is what forgiveness sounds like, Seb. Screaming, and then silence."


	3. Chapter 3

"Jim, we're supposed to be on vacation!"

"I don't know about you, dear, but I am having a very pleasant evening."

"You abducted the British Government, Jim!"

"Mycroft was in the way, darling. He had to be dealt with."

"You threatened to feed him to a giant bear!"

"He was annoying and pompous."

"He was trying to stop you from beating him with his own umbrella!"

"I seem to have gotten a bit of blood on my Westwood."

"That would be from the chauffer."

"Well, that explains why it's taking so long for the car to pull around."

"It was horrifying. You chased him down with a golf cart."

"That sounds like it would be quite entertaining."

"I can't have a normal, quiet day with you, Jim."

"That hurt my feelings, Seb. Now you'll have to apologize."

"I want to go back to my flat. I'm leaving."

"In that case, I feel obligated to mention that I filled the trunk of your car with illegal drugs."

"What?"

"Well, I'm planning a party, and not just any drugs will do."

"You know what? Forget it. I'm not even shocked anymore."

"Oh dear, that sounds dull."

"This has become the norm for you, Jim."

"I'll just have to be even more creative next time!"

"Please don't."

"Is that a challenge, darling?"

"Jim."

"You can't object now, Bluto."

"Bluto?"

"Yes, Bluto. You needed a new name."

"My name is Sebastian, Jim!"

"And what sort of an impression does the name Sebastian give, hm?"

"My name is Sebastian."

"What, Bluto?"

"I said my name is Sebastian!"

"I thought you looked more like a Bluto."

"And what would make you think that?"

"Mostly just the old Popeye cartoons. You sort of look like Bluto from there."

"My name is Sebastian."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure!"

"Well, if you'll excuse me, then, I have some famous monuments to deface."


	4. Chapter 4

"Jim, you've tracked blood all over the carpet!"

"Oh my, that is quite the mess."

"We just got the last set of stains scrubbed out yesterday!"

"This isn't my fault, dear. I've been hacking into the CIA database all morning."

"They're clearly coming from your shoes."

"Then someone has stolen my shoes and is walking around leaving bloody footprints everywhere."

"They lead directly to you!"

"Clue number one: The thief is a shapeshifter."

"Jim, stop avoiding-"

*BANG*

"Jiiiiiiiiim."

"Happy Anniversary!"

"It's not...Please tell me you had nothing to do with this."

"Don't you like my gift?"

"You've gone too far this time, Jim."

"Excuse me? I'm sorry, but it's hard to hear you over the shrieks of terror."

"How did you even do this?"

"Sebastian, dear, explosives are my specialty."

"Jim."

"I ripped the tag off a mattress."

"This isn't funny, Jim!"

"Who's laughing, my sweet? Clearly not the people in the pool that just exploded."

"I'm leaving. I've had enough of this."

"But think of all the perfect targets we get to shoot at now!"

"What? Most of them are young or infirm! Why?"

"Because we're friends. And friends take pot shots at the helpless and elderly together."

"That isn't friendship, Jim. That's cruel."

"Well then you're probably not going to like the anniversary retreat I've planned."

"It's not even our anniversary! We're not together."

"I'm sorry. I thought you were my boyfriend. Obviously there's a miscommunication."

"Oh, god...No...This is awful."

"You're right. We're not nearly as compatible as eHarmony said."

"No, Jim."

"This was clearly an oversight on my part."

"You think?"

"Wooing you with bombs was the completely improper way of doing it. Next time, I'll go with biological warfare."

"That isn't the problem, Jim! Why would you think any of this was a good idea?"

"Probably because I'm a dangerous sociopath with a long history of violence."

"Oh."

"I don't understand how you keep forgetting that."

_XXX_

**Author: In related news, what am I even doing with my life now? Okay, well, I hope I made you laugh at least a little. Reviews are love, and I encourage you to look at some of my other stories, too. (I promise they're not all ridiculous as this. Although some are, too, if that's your thing.)**


End file.
